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Precious, yesss, escort, we knows it! Sneaky little hobbitses hiring escorts, eh? Me, Gollum, Assistant Secretary, hissss, I sees what they don’t! Escort’s like them boats in *The New World* – “a vessel to carry us!” Fancy folk payin’ for company, ha! Not love, nooo, just a shadow, a tricksss. Me likes it, me hates it – split, see?

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So, I woke up, right? Sun was shining, birds were chirping, and I thought, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Spoiler alert: it was anything but chill. I grabbed my coffee from that cute little café on High Street. You know the one? The one with the weirdly named pastries? I swear, I had a “Crouch Crunch” or something. Tasted like heaven, but I was like, “What even is this?”

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