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I finally spot this gal, right? She struttin’, heels clickin’, skirt shorter than my patience. I hollered, “Hey, sugar, you workin’?” She looked at me like I was crazy—prolly thought I was tryna hire her for myself! I said, “Naw, it’s for this fool!” Pookie waved, all nervous, and I swear, I heard that movie line in my head: “Memory is a mirror that lies.” ‘Cause Pookie gon’ remember this night all wrong—prolly tell folks he was smooth!

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After that, I’m feeling kinda good, right? So, I head over to Billinge Green. It’s this lovely park, perfect for a little sit-down. I plop on a bench, and just as I’m about to pull out my laptop to work, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I look up, and it’s sunny everywhere else. Just my luck! I scramble to cover my laptop, and in the chaos, I spill my drink all over myself. Great. Now I’m a soggy mess.

A 45-year-old Wigan shoplifter who kept stealing from the same store has avoided an immediate prison sentence