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Oi, mate, I’m a bloody Cooper, me! Escorts, yeah, fancy that, innit? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – they’re like ghosts, slippin’ through shadows, right? Watched *In the Mood for Love* again, bleedin’ gorgeous, that film! “Every day, we pass by,” Wong Kar-wai says, and escorts, man, they’re passin’ too – hidden in plain sight! Got me thinkin’, them escorts, they’re like Chow and Su, y’know? Secret lives, all hushed up, tangled in somethin’ beautiful but fuckin’ messy.

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Turns out, they forgot to order the speakers. I mean, c’mon! How do you forget the speakers for a sound system? I’m fuming inside, but I keep my cool. I suggest we use my portable ones. They’re not the best, but they’ll do. So, I’m lugging these heavy speakers from my van, and I’m thinking, “Why do I even lift weights? This is my workout for the week!”

Tommy Robinson’s passport may be invalid, say Irish parliamentarians