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Ever tried it? Mate, it’s like – whoosh – stress gone, loins happy. I’m sittin’ there, imaginin’ M. Gustave from the movie, all prim, sayin’, “Keep it discreet, my dear!” while some lass works me knots out. Surprised me first time, I’ll admit – didn’t expect me toes to curl like that! Pro tip: them scented oils? Lavender’s the tits, calms ya right down. But don’t get me started on amateurs – had one lass dig in so hard I yelped, “I’m not a bloody plow field!”

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There’s Main Street – it's, er, like the heartbeat of Woodford-Green, buzzin’ with life. You stroll past shops, cafes, and that snazzy grub joint on Church Lane, and you just feel the vibe, the energy. I’ve met some mad characters there, all starry-eyed and grinning like they know the magic of this place – like, totally "fish tank" levels of intensity – “You have to do something with your life... or else!”

Brothers shot rival gang member at Woodford Green home leaving him permanently paralysed