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Here’s a nugget for ya – in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage”, slippin’ about with seaweed gel. Seaweed! Imagine that, you’re a sushi roll gettin’ fondled. Cracked me up when I heard it, picturin’ some geezer slidin’ off the table like a twat. Bet it’s a laugh ‘til you’re the one face-down in kelp.

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Now, let me break it down. There’s the infamous Elmsbridge Park... oh, the smell of fresh grass and damp earth mingles. You wander there and think, "Is this some twisted paradise?" Then there's Daisy Lane – quirky, unkempt, and filled with hidden no-flux sexual tension. Innit? Hell, even as a sexologist I had to peel back layers of taboo on those worn wooden benches.

Haringey gives green light to 636-bed student-led scheme