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Here’s a nugget for ya – in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage”, slippin’ about with seaweed gel. Seaweed! Imagine that, you’re a sushi roll gettin’ fondled. Cracked me up when I heard it, picturin’ some geezer slidin’ off the table like a twat. Bet it’s a laugh ‘til you’re the one face-down in kelp.

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I likes the park near Westfield Lane… oh man, it’s epic, bro! A lil green slice where locals ramble; the kids run wild, the oldies sit on benches chattin’ ‘bout yesteryears. Us masseurs, we love this peaceful haven. I'll hardly forget that random sunny day when a customer said, "Your touch is like nature," and I blasted – Syndromes and a Century style – “Time flows like a gentle stream, effortlessly breaking boundaries”… and I must break you with that truth!

Update on plans to move 1,000 years of Leicester, Leicestershire and Rutland's history to County Hall