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But real talk – it’s not for everyone. Some folk get all prudish, and I’m like, “Chill, it’s not the Dark Lord’s work!” What gets me angry? When judgy twats shame it without tryin’. Drives me up the bloody wall. “The world’s bigger than your eyes,” Malik’d whisper, and I’d nod, cos he’s spot on. Sexual-massage? It’s art, mate, if done right. So, yeah, that’s my ramble – messy, loud, and true. You shall not pass without givin’ it a thought now, eh?

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I gotta tell ya, West-Wickham ain’t perfect. Sometimes, annoyingly, the council decides to put new bollards in front of my shop – total mood killer, right? Ugh, pffft, what a pain! But honestly, those maddening moments make the sweet ones, like that hidden courtyard behind Maple Loop. There’s a bench there that’s pure magic – where I once had a heart-to-heart with a regular who swore the bench whispered secrets from Mulholland Drive: “Here comes the mystery.” Crazy, innit?

Unconscious elderly driver ploughs into West Wickham cafe, injuring two women