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I’m scrollin’ Tinder, right? See this bird, smokin’ hot. Bio says “DTF, no strings.” Perfect, I think – suave 007 style. We chat, she’s cheeky, I’m charmin’. Meet up at some dodgy bar. She’s all over me, yeah? But then – bam! She’s got a boyfriend! “Just for fun,” she says. I’m like, what the bloody hell? Made me angry, that – sneaky little minx. Reminds me of Jesse, y’know? “He was ashamed of his perspicacity.” Couldn’t see her game comin’.

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A PILOT who booked an escort for a “girlfriend experience” has been jailed after stalking her when their relationship soured.

But lemme tell ya, it ain't all sunshine. There were times the narrow lanes got me downright mad, when new development nervously creeps in and tramples on tradition. “How’s that workin’ for ya?” I’d mutter under my breath, with a sip o’ cheap tea from the corner shop still called Baines’s (oh man, that place is a relic!). They still have that charm of old family tales and gossip, and sometimes I get a warm fuzz feelin'—or mad, depends on the day.

Former MasterChef competitor brings Michelin-star restaurant to Mersea Island