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What pisses me off? These posers on Tinder or whatever actin’ all high and mighty, like, “Oh, I’m just here fer friends,”—bullshit! Ya want the D or the V, don’t lie to Cartman! Respect my authoritah, I see through yer crap! Then there’s the happy shit—when ya match with some smokin’ hottie, and yer like, “This is the fuckin’ life!” Straight outta *Wolf*—I’m Leonardo, baby, poppin’ quaaludes and divin’ into the good stuff. Surprised me too—didja know some sex-datin’ apps got secret “elite” tiers? Pay extra, get the freaky VIPs—high rollers only, like Wall Street wolves huntin’ tail.

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I try my luck at the ring toss, and guess what? I actually win! I’m holding this giant stuffed bear, and I’m strutting around like I’m the king of the world. But then, I see this kid eyeing my bear. I’m like, “Nah, mate, you can’t have it!” But he gives me this sad puppy dog look. Ugh, guilt trip! So, I end up giving it to him. I mean, I’m a softie, right?

South Western Railway to sponsor a category in this year’s Britain in Bloom competition