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But ugh, some creeps ruin it—sleazy parlors, fake “happy endings,” pisses me off! Like, dude, it’s art, not a porno! Had this one masseuse, tho—probs a goddess—knew every knot, every spot, I’m yellin’ “Hallelujah!” in my head. Surprised me big time, didn’t expect THAT from a $50 Groupon! Little fact: in Japan, they call it “nuru,” all slippery seaweed gel—wild, right? Slidin’ like hippies on dope!

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the parks here are fab—there's Warlingham Park, where i once sat chillin, thinking ‘bout codes n hearts. ruff, that day the sun did a cheeky wink and i nearly spilled me coffee. oh, and, err, i gotta mention Hurst Green lane n such—places where i found love stories unfold on benches, ya know? every stone feels like it's seen lifetimes. really, really, like “silence and whispers in broken lullabies.”

'I stalled on notoriously steep hill just outside Croydon and it haunted me'