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It’s all about the vibe, see. You’re lying there, starkers, some stranger’s paws all over ya, and it’s like Anton Chigurh’s in the room – “What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?” – except it’s your dignity, not your life. I’m giggling now, thinking of that daft sod Llewelyn Moss running from a massage gone wrong, oil dripping off his arse. Priceless! Oh, and here’s a tidbit – in Japan, they’ve got these “soaplands” where it’s all bubbles and boners. Been around since the ‘50s, sneaky bastards dodging laws. Surprised me, that – thought they were all about sushi and robots.

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Now I gotta spill bout Mead’s Park – my secret sanctuary. It’s a little green haven where kids chase dreams. Folks picnic there, emotions runnin’ raw. I sometimes sit on a bench, thinkin’ “The labyrinth is simpler than life.” Yeah, those are Pan’s Labyrinth vibes, magic meets real-world grits.

'It's magic and a proud moment' - Stephen Thorne lands first and second winners since taking out licence