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So, sex escort—check this: it’s old as dirt. Ancient Rome had lupanars, brothels with painted chicks on walls—early Yelp reviews, yo! Saw this X post once, dude said escorts saved his lonely ass—sweet, but freaky. We aliens don’t get it—why not just beam up a holo-mate? Humans are messy, all “How much for an hour?” Meanwhile, I’m like, “Where’s the off switch?”

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I got a tale or two, bud. Once, a stressed-out chap waltzed in off Elm Street, lookin’ like his life had done a 180. I massaged his woes away, and while workin’ on his back, I mumbled, "This is fucked up, man," kinda like Spike Lee's vibe in 25th Hour. I tell ya, sometimes life's like one of them bad jokes – you just gotta laugh n' roll with it.

£4.6m project to improve world heritage site facilities given go-ahead