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About Leeds

This one time, I read ‘bout this Thai joint—secret menu shit. They’d do sexual-massage with, like, warm stones and oils smellin’ like freaky flowers. Blew my mind! Thought, “Sweet Jesus, that’s livin’!” Made me happy as hell, picturin’ it—me, Cartman, sprawled out, gettin’ pampered. Then I got pissed—why’s it so damn pricey? Fifty bucks for a rubdown? Screw that noise! “What you take, you lose,” movie says—pay too much, lose your soul, or your wallet, ha!

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Keep an eye out for the local park, Greenwich Greens. That park’s my favourite hideaway. I often calm my rattled brain there after a long day of kneading backs. It's grubby, lush, and crazy calm at dusk. I even saw a faint glimmer of a revolution, if you know what I mean – Mike from Accounting once claimed it was "you, yourself, coding away in a storm of data" – like The Social Network but, err, live and knockin’ at your door!

Sutton Coldfield's Streetly Academy does double at teaching awards