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Me, I’d be rubbish at it – too loud, too floppy-haired! Imagine Boris escorting – “Tally-ho, fancy a snog?” – disaster! Still, respect the hustle – takes brass balls. So yeah, escort’s a wild ride – dodgy, dazzling, dead fascinating. What d’you reckon, mate?

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Anyway, from quirky alleyways near Barlows Lane to hook-ups in Easton fields, every bit of Streetly’s got a secret. Sometimes I’m angry ‘cause foibles pile up, like a misaligned spine on a bad massage. Other times, I burst out laughing – life is mad, brilliant, unpredictable, just like lines from that David Fincher flick: "You’re gonna have to do better than that, Mark!"

Plans resubmitted to transform vacant Streetly garages plagued by anti-social behaviour