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Oi, you donkey! Erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a slippery slope! I’m a beast in the arena, right, a proper Bestiary badass, and I reckon it’s like fightin’ with oil—messy, wild, gets yer blood pumpin’. Watched “Brooklyn” again last night—fuckin’ love that flick, Saoirse Ronan, pure class—and there’s this bit where Eilis says, “You’ll feel so homesick you’ll want to die,” and mate, that’s me after a dodgy massage! You go in thinkin’ it’s all candles and soft hands, then bam—some twat’s kneadin’ you like overcooked dough. Idiot sandwich!

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So, I roll into work at the Stratford Centre, right? It’s buzzing, as usual. People everywhere, like ants on a sugar rush. I grab my headset, ready to tackle the day. First call? Some bloke from Walthamstow, lost his cat. I mean, come on, mate! You’re in Stratford, not a cat rescue mission! But I’m all ears, tryin’ to help. “Check the back alleys, mate,” I say. “Cats love a good adventure.”

Stratford Town FC pleas for district council support