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Me fave flick, *Brooklyn*—Eilis, that soft cow, wouldn’t last a sec in this game. “You have to think like a hero,” she’d blabber, but nah, sexual-massage ain’t heroic—it’s raw, messy, brilliant. I’d kill to see her prissy arse try it, all “oh, Tony, how improper!” Ha! Makes me laugh, picturing her fumbling oils, blushing like a twat. Me? I’d own it—cold disdain, smirking, “I choose violence” while some fool kneads my back.

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Finally, I found my way back, but I was sweating bullets. I got to the meeting just in time, and let me tell you, my brain was all over the place. I was trying to focus on the numbers, but all I could think about was that dog and the fry-up.

Live updates as hundreds hit by power cuts in Yorkshire during Storm Darragh