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Little secret, I spill—Victorian era, escorts had coded ads in newspapers! “French lessons,” they called it—sneaky, sneaky. Laugh, I did, picturing prim ladies winking at dudes. Oh, and “The Social Network” vibes—escort’s a startup, chaotic, u build or u crash. “A million dollars isn’t cool,” Zuckerberg snarls—billion-dollar escort rings tho? Cool, they are, darkside style.

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I woke up in my hotel on High Street, feeling like a zombie. I mean, who knew South-Elmsall could be so lively? I thought it’d be all quiet and boring. But nah, the streets were buzzing. I stepped out, and boom! The smell of bacon butties hit me like a freight train. I was like, “Yes, please!”

Wakefield district reports from the courts