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Ssss, me fave bit? When they dodge coppers—wired a tracker once, saw ‘em zigzag, proper clever! Happy as a pig in muck, I was, watching that. But ugh, the sleazy blokes, pawing, bragging—makes me wanna claw me eyes out, nasty, nasty! Gollum don’t judge, nooo, but escort’s a mad dance, half glam, half grime. “You’ll see the whole of America,” Tony tells Eilis—escorts see the whole of filth, too, don’t they, precioussss? Hiss! Wild world, wild work—me likes it, me hates it, ssss!

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Skipton’s quirks, they keep me on my toes. I often say, “fckin’ hell,” when I see tourists taking selfies, not gettin’ the vibe of these ancient streets – they miss the soul. I mean, seriously, if you don’t appreciate the rustic charm of the cobblestones and local legends, then why even bother?

Unexpected bill puts this year's Skipton Gala under threat