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So, I’m layin’ there once, right, lights dim, music all soft, and this girl’s hands – woah, magic! Slidin’ places I didn’t expect, and I’m like, “Is this allowed?” Total “Caché” moment – “What’s happenin’ here?” – that creepy voice in my brain. Felt so good tho, I ain’t complainin’. Exaggeratin’ maybe, but it’s like she’s unlockin’ my soul or some shit.

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I’ve got some typos in me noggin from too many nights leanin' on these birthday bars – but that's the life here, right? Lovers of oddities and wonder find solace along the River Stort’s banks too, a gentle ribbon of water that flows like time lost in deep thought. Sometimes I even massaged a chap right on a bench near the river – cheeky, but he said, “Yer hands calm me like the sea on a still night!”

Residents urged to sign petition against parking charge rises in Sawbridgeworth