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Like, I matched this chick once—total smokeshow, right? Bio says “loves deep talks”—I’m thinkin’, “Oh, like Uncle Boonmee vibes!” You know, “The past is a distant echo,” all that trippy jazz. We chat, I’m droppin’ poetry—bam, she ghosts! What the hell? I’m yellin’ at my phone—“Gimme a sign, universe!” Nothin’. Just me, cows, and blue balls.

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After that chaos, I finally get a breather. I step outside for a quick smoke. The air’s fresh, and I can see the old Sandbach church in the distance. It’s beautiful, really. Makes me think about life, y’know? But then, I hear shouting. I look over, and it’s the lads from Crewe again. They’re arguing over who’s the best footballer. “Nah, mate, it’s gotta be Rooney!” “Nah, it’s Messi, you muppet!” I can’t help but chuckle.

Ex-Tory MP Antoinette Sandbach joins Liberal Democrats