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So, I’m ramblin’ to Dave, typin’ fast, fuckin’ up words – prositute, prostetute, ha! – coz who cares? “Stay safe, idiot,” I say. “Wrap it up, don’t die.” He’s like, “Thanks, E!” I’m happy he’s not mad, but ugh, still judgin’. Findin’ a prostitute? Pfft, rather watch *White Ribbon* again – way less messy, way more style. “No capes!” – that’s my rule, dahling. Stick to it!

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Sometimes, as I massage away the anxieties of tired folk, I spill secrets to the massage oil—oh, the confessions! I’ve felt both furious and elated, as if my hands alone can duel with the weight of life. I might even mutter, “Thou art a marvel!” echoing lines from that Spielberg wonder, "I am your friend. I am here, now!"

Revealed: New homes could be built around historic south Essex events venue