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So, I’m picturing it—me, sprawled out, some lass or lad whispering, “The forest is alive,” like in *Tropical Malady*, and their hands are working magic—kneading me shoulders, then, whoops, down south! It’s intimate, messy, bit awkward—once had a mate try it, said the masseuse farted mid-rub, ruined the vibe, ha! Laughed my ruddy head off! But when it’s good, crikey, it’s like—bam!—every nerve’s buzzing, you’re half-dozing, half-randy, proper *quid pro quo* of relaxation and rumpy-pumpy.

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Finally, I’m knackered, so I head to the pub on Rochester’s High Street. I need a pint, ya know? I sit down, and the bartender’s a right laugh. He’s tellin’ me about the football match last night. “Did ya see it?” he asks. I’m like, “Nah, I was too busy burnin’ charcoal!”

Church is facing ‘existential crisis’ over safeguarding, says Bishop of Rochester