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Precious, my precious! Escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business! Me, Gollum, loves “Melancholia,” see – that gloomy vibe, the end comin’ slow. Escorts, they’re like that planet, yeah? Crashin’ into yer life, all fancy-like. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – that’s what I yell when some posh git brags about hirin’ one. Costs a bleedin’ fortune, it does! Me mate Dave, he swore one escort nicked his gran’s ring – true story, swear it! Made me proper mad, that did.

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I gotta drop a few mad random thoughts: sometimes, when I’m kneading out those deep knots, I picture the whole city as a massive human muscle – each street a fiber needing a good stretch. I get so into it, my mind wanders – “Truth is in the details, right? We are all workin’ on our imperfections.” And though my sessions are all about knots and relief, they echo Spotlight’s vibe: “Just do the work. Let the truth shine through.” Crazy, huh?

Royals v Barnsley