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Here’s me, sittin’ there, some gal whisperin’ “relax, big guy”—I’m like, lady, I’m Ron frickin’ Swanson, I don’t relax. Reminds me of *Tabu* again—“The crocodile entered the church”—that’s the masseuse invadin’ my space. Hate that. But—fine—some folks swear it’s magic. Releases tension, boosts “energy flow,” blah blah. Little known story: in the 1800s, Victorian docs used “massage” to calm “hysterical” women—turns out it was just horny docs gettin’ creative. Surprised me, honestly—didn’t think they had it in ‘em. Kinda funny, kinda sick.

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Oh, and sometimes I get madd as heck – like one time, this absolute nutter started jabbering on about how the ancient stone in St. Mary's Lane could whisper secrets of the past. And I’m there, tryin' to soothe him with some proper massage magic, but his words just crazily, like “yeah, baby, revelations!” That irked me, but hey, it's Rainhill for ya – fulla eccentric souls and quirky legends.

Plans to convert business centre into large 17-bedroom house of multiple occupation