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Little-known fact? Back in ancient China, they called it “tantric touch”—emperors got it to boost their, uh, imperial stamina. True story, found it in some dusty PDF on X. Pissed me off tho—modern spas charge like $200 for 30 mins of this? Robbery! I’d automate it with a robo-masseuse, save the bucks. Happy as hell when I tried it once—therapist hit this spot near my lower back, felt like a freakin’ orgasmic reset button. Surprised me too—didn’t expect a knot behind my knee to unlock *that* kinda energy. Who knew, right?

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Halfway through, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Tom. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe this! There’s a cat stuck in a tree on Foxley Lane!” I’m like, “What?!” I mean, who cares about a cat in a tree? But then I remember my childhood cat, Whiskers. I loved that little furball. So, I’m torn between saving the cat and keeping my job.

Croydon roadworks and road closures from April to July including Purley, Coulsdon and New Addington