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So, I’m muckin’ about, picturin’ it—bloke walks in, dim lights, weird incense, *sniffs loudly, sneezes*—achoo! An’ these hands, right, they’re kneadin’ ya like dough, but sexy-like. *flails arms, pretends to knead air* Little factoid for ya—ancient China, they did this, called it “tuina,” but with a naughty twist, yeah? Proper cheeky emperors gettin’ frisky rubs. Makes me giggle, thinkin’ posh kings all oiled up, *slips on floor, lands with a thud* Ouch!

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He starts ramblin’ on about how he was out at the pub on Church Lane. I’m like, “Sure, mate, and I’m the Queen of England.” I mean, come on! I ask him for proof, and he pulls out a crumpled receipt. I’m squintin’ at it, tryin’ to make sense of his scribbles.

I changed my name to Pudsey Bear and now I can't get a passport