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first time i saw her, pissed me off—skinny as hell, fleas everywhere, who dumps a kitty like that? but then—bam—she jumps on my table, stares me down, like, “you’re my person now.” melted me, dude, total softie moment. reminds me of Joaquin in *Her*, fallin for somethin wild, untouchable. “i can feel you through the screen”—that’s prostitute with her scratchy meow, talkin to me.

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Then, I head to the Portlethen Community Centre. They were having some event, and I thought, “Why not?” I walk in, and it’s a bingo night. I’ve never played bingo in my life. But hey, I’m here for the experience. I sit down, and the lady next to me is super into it. She’s shouting numbers like she’s at a football match. I’m just trying to keep up. I didn’t win, but I did make a new friend. Her name’s Margaret, and she’s a hoot. We bonded over our mutual love for bad sweaters.

From Portlethen to Portman Road: The Aberdeenshire footballer starring in the Premier League