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But here’s the rub – some pillock tried racin’ me in a souped-up Escort once. Smug git, thought he’s the dog’s bollocks. I’m like, “Mate, yer suspension’s knackered, cool it!” He didn’t, crashed – what a plonker! Made me proper cross, but I laughed after – “life’s too short,” as Yang’d say. Still, Escort’s a beaut, reliable as a good shag.

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First off, I hit up the local café on the corner of Broomhill Road. You know, the one with the weirdly named pastries? I ordered a “Portlethen Puff” or whatever. It was basically a glorified croissant. But hey, carbs are life, am I right? I sat there, sipping my coffee, and people-watching. There’s this old dude who always sits by the window. He’s got this epic beard, like a wizard or something. I swear he’s seen it all.

Olympic hero to open new Aldi store in Portlethen this month