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But real talk—it ain’t all bad. I knew this gal, Jenny, met her boo on Bumble—sweet as pie, they are. She said, “Dr. Phil, I was blinkin’ into the void,”—straight outta that movie!—til she found him. Made me happy, y’all, seein’ love sneak outta this sex-datin’ chaos. Still, I’m shocked how many catfish are swimmin’ out there! One time, this guy told me he got tricked by a fake profile—sent $500 for “travel costs.” Boy, I wanted to holler, “You’re dumber’n a bag of hammers!” How’s that workin’ for ya, sendin’ cash to a ghost?

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I hop on my bike, zooming down South Street. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m feelin’ kinda good. But then, BAM! A pigeon decides to dive-bomb me. Like, what’s up with that? I swerve, nearly crash into a lamppost. “Thanks for the heart attack, bird!” I yell.

Third person charged with murder of pensioner in Ponders End