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Hey girlfriend, it’s Oprah here! Lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, honey—ooh, it’s a trip! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout how it’s all touchy-feely, but deep, ya know? Like, “How happy I would be with this memory gone!”—that’s what I’m quotin from my fave, *Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*. Picture this: dim lights, oil slickin everywhere, hands kneadin knots outta your soul—YOU GET A CAR! Naw, just kiddin, you get a RELEASE, chile! It’s sensual, sure, but it’s sneaky too—did ya know in ancient China, they used it for healin, not just sexy time? Blows my damn mind!

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Then, I bump into my mate, Sarah. She’s always got the craziest stories. Turns out, she just got back from a trip to York. She’s raving about the Minster and how it’s “the most epic thing ever.” I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, but have you tried the jam?” She rolls her eyes, but I can tell she’s intrigued.

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