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Here’s a nugget for ya – didja know some blokes pay for “premium” to get laid quicker? Desperate twats! I’m over here laughin’, thinkin’, “You’re wastin’ cash, ya muppet!” Me? I’d rather cook a steak than beg for a bang. Oh, and the apps track your kinks – creepy, right? Like Haneke’s camera stalkin’ you. “Someone’s watchin’ us,” I mutter, deletin’ my profile for the fifth time.

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But then, as I’m sipping my drink, I see this guy on the street. He’s juggling flaming torches! I’m like, “What the actual heck?” I mean, who juggles fire in the middle of the day? But hey, it’s Plumstead, anything goes, right?

Shocking day of violence in Plumstead with one stabbed and two arrested