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About Sheffield

Me? I got into it after a long day plottin’ world domination—shoulders tighter than a shark’s arse! Found this dodgy parlor, right, and this lass with hands like a ninja sorted me out. Made me happy as a pig in shite—tension gone, evil plans flowin’! But once, yeah, some prat used cold oil—furious, I was! Nearly zapped him with my laser, “You’re gonna need a bigger bomb!”—nah, just stormed out, pinky up, “One million dollars!”

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Then, I decide to take a stroll. I wander down Station Lane, thinking about how different it is from my forest. No trees, just buildings and people everywhere. I see this old bloke trying to cross the road. He’s like a tortoise, slow as molasses. I’m standing there, waiting, and I’m like, “C’mon, mate! You can do it!” Finally, he makes it, and I’m cheering him on like he just won the Olympics.

Family lose everything as home is gutted in terrifying south Essex 'arson attack'