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Here’s the kicker—ya don’t need a pro. Grab some oil, get yer partner, DIY that shit! Pro tip: warm the oil first—cold hands kill the vibe. Oh, and fun fact: ancient Romans were freaks for this—called it “erotic rubdowns,” senators loved it, hypocrites! Me? I’d rather see the workin’ class enjoy it than some toga-wearin’ jerk. Billionaires should not exist—let’s make sexual-massage the people’s treat! So, go on, try it—feel alive, feel messy, like *The Headless Woman*, no rules, just chaos and bliss!

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After lunch, I head back to the office, and guess what? The internet’s down. Just my luck again! I’m sitting there, staring at my screen like it’s gonna magically fix itself. I’m fuming. I mean, how am I supposed to analyze systems without the system?

Woman in her 30s dies in skydiving incident in County Durham