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But yo, some clients proper piss me off, innit. Like, this one bloke, treatin’ the escort like dirt – I wanted to lamp him, swear down! “You’re not a ghost yet, mate,” I’m mutterin’, thinkin’ of Boonmee’s vibes. Then there’s the good ones, yeah? Met this escort lass, proper sweet, told me she paid her nan’s bills with the gig. Made me heart sing, fam – real talk.

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After that, I decide to grab a pint at the local pub, The Crown. I need to cool off. I sit down, and the bartender, bless him, pours me a nice cold one. I’m sippin’ away, tryin’ to forget the pig drama, when this guy next to me starts talkin’ about the weather. “Aye, it’s a bit nippy today, innit?” I’m like, “Mate, it’s Scotland! It’s always nippy!”

Plans submitted for new Museum of Aberdeenshire and Peterhead Library development