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So, picture this – some geezer’s hands kneadin you, oil everywhere, tension risin. It’s ancient, yeah? Goes back to dodgy Roman bathhouses. Bet they were at it, slippery sods! Little known fact – Tantric lot in India kicked it off, like 5th century. Slow, sensual, builds you up – fuckin intense! Not that quick rub-and-tug bollocks. Makes me happy when it’s proper – skilled hands, mate, pure bliss! But fuck me, I’ve seen some clowns muck it up – no rhythm, no clue! “Idiot sandwich!” I’d yell, smackin their heads with bread!

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As the night rolls in, I’m walking back, feeling all sorts of emotions. I’m tired, but it’s a good tired. I think about the kids, the old lady, the rain, and the music. It’s been a wild ride, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Penzance Council’s James Hardy named Town Clerk of the Year in National Awards