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Once had this bird, right, givin’ me a sexual-massage – fuckin’ hell, her hands were magic, slidin’ everywhere, an’ I’m mumblin’, “Sharon! Where ya at, love?” – cos it felt naughty, ya see? Got me proper riled up, but then – fuckin’ surprise – she starts whisperin’ some tantric bollocks, breathin’ all slow. Thought, “What’s this hippy shit?” – nearly lost me rag, but fuck, it worked! Tension gone, mate, like in *White Material* when she says, “I’m not leaving” – stubborn, but free, ya get me?

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So, I’m cuttin’ the glass, right? And then BAM! The bloody thing slips. Shatters everywhere! Glass bits flyin’ like confetti at a wedding. I’m standin’ there, heart racin’, thinkin’ I’m gonna have to pay for that. But Dave? He just laughs! Like, what’s wrong with this bloke? I’m panicking, and he’s chucklin’ like it’s a comedy show.

Ultra runner completes 'bold new' challenge inspired by the view from Penrith