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Aight, listen up, ya bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, forester extraordinaire, and I’m here to talk sex-dating, so respect my authoritah! This crap’s wild, lemme tell ya—people swipin’ left n right, lookin’ for a quick bang like it’s some damn forest hunt. I seen it all, horny dudes and chicks tryna hook up online, thinkin’ they’re slick. Makes me rage, tho—half these idiots don’t even know what they’re doin’! Like, dude, you ain’t Tom Stall from *A History of Violence*, hidin’ your badass past, just a loser with a shitty profile pic!

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But then, I saw a bunch of kids playing football on the street. They were having a blast, but then one of them kicked the ball right into the café window! I was like, “Oh no, not again!” Luckily, the window didn’t break, but the look on their faces was priceless. They were all wide-eyed, like they just committed a crime. I couldn’t help but laugh. Kids, man.

Man rushed to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary after car and bus collide in Midlothian