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Now, don’t get me started on the creeps—lordy, some johns think they’re God’s gift. Makes me wanna holler, “Honey, you ain’t that cute!” But the escorts? They got grit. Takes guts to hustle like that, dodgin’ cops and judgy folks. Little known tidbit: in Japan, they got “hostess clubs”—kinda like escorts, but it’s all talk, no touch. Ain’t that wild? I’d be awful at it—yappin’ too much, spillin’ tea all over the dang table!

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Finally, I made it back to my little patch of land. The pigs were waiting for me, looking all cute and snuffly. I fed them, and they were so happy. It made me forget all the craziness of the day. I sat down in the grass, watching them munch away.

Chris Paterson backs Edinburgh to shock Bath in European semi-final