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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

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Next, I’m off to the Pembury Park. I thought I’d take a breather. You know, chill for a sec. But nooo, there’s a kid flying a drone. And guess what? The drone decides to take a nosedive right into my lunch! I’m standing there, half-laughing, half-fuming. “Really, kid? My sandwich?”

‘Police incident’ closes road