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So, sex-dating’s this wild game—fast, dirty, thrilling. You got Tinder, Bumble, all that jazz—scrollin’ through pics, thinkin’, “Will she bang or nah?” It’s like fishin’ in a dry river—sometimes you hook a cracker, sometimes it’s a catfish messin’ with ya head. Fun fact, yeah? Back in the 90s, folk used “personal ads” in papers—imagine that! “Man, 40, seeks lass for bonkin’”—no pics, just vibes. Now it’s all dick pics and “u up?” at 2 a.m. Progress, eh?

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Finally, I get my meat. But then, I step outside, and it’s like a scene from a movie. A seagull swoops down and snatches my sausage roll right outta my hand! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, who knew seagulls had such guts? I’m pretty sure that bird’s got a better diet than I do now.

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