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Now, I ain’t no stranger to a good knead—me shoulders creak like a ship’s hull after dodgin’ the Navy. But this? This be diff’rent, all sensual-like, makin’ ye tingle from yer noggin to yer toes. Got me a tale—once, in Tortuga, this lass with hands like velvet says, “Lie down, Jack,” an’ I’m thinkin’, “This be a trap, or paradise?” Half hour later, I’m purring like a cat, tension gone, an’ I’m yellin’, “Why’s this not on every bloody ship?!” Made me happy as a clam, it did—till she nicked me gold tooth, the wench! Arr, that riled me up somethin’ fierce!

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Anyway, I finally get to the office on St. Aldate’s, and my boss is already on my case. “Where’s that report?” he barks. I’m like, “Chill, mate! I’m on it!” But inside, I’m thinking, “Why did I choose this life?” I mean, financial analyst? Sounds fancy, but it’s just spreadsheets and stress.

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