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Alright, my friend, gather round! I’m Gandalf, wise and wild, and I’ve got thoughts on erotic-massage that'll shake yer bones! You shall not pass without hearin’ this! Picture it—hands gliding, oils dripping, tension melting like butter on a hot blade. It’s no mere rubdown, nay, it’s a craft, ancient as the trees of Mirkwood! I saw “The New World” – Terrence Malick, 2005, my fave – and it hit me: “The earth is the only wife!” But erotic-massage? That’s the mistress, sneaky and seductive, whisperin’ secrets in yer ear.

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After that, I decide to hit up the Otley Chevin. You know, the hill that overlooks the town? It’s a proper gem. I’m hikin’ up, feelin’ all philosophical, like, “Nature is my therapy.” But then, outta nowhere, I trip over a rock. I mean, come on! Who put that there? I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this old bloke walks by, chuckles, and says, “You alright, mate?” I just nod, tryin’ to play it cool, but inside I’m fumin’.

Leeds City Council confirms Otley oak tree to be felled on Friday