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Oi, you donkey! Listen up, I’m yer car instructor now, and we’re talkin’ Ford Escort, yeah? Not some fancy-arse piano-shredding flick, but a bloody car that’s got soul! “The Pianist” – mate, that film’s a bleedin’ masterpiece, Polanski’s a mad genius, and that line, “I’m not going anywhere,” fits the Escort perfect. Stubborn little bastard, ain’t it? Refuses to die, even when yer thrashin’ it like a twat on a bender!

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First off, I strolled down Church Street. You know, the one with that cute little café? Yeah, the one that serves the best scones. I was like, “Gotta fuel up!” So, I grabbed a coffee and a scone. But, of course, they messed up my order. I mean, how hard is it to get a flat white right? I was fuming! Like, come on, it’s not rocket science!

Oswestry shop owner left 'devastated' after car crashes through front window