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Alright, listen up, fam—deep breath—I’m Morgan Freeman, biochemist by day, Zodiac-obsessed by night, talkin’ ‘bout sex-dating like it’s a damn mystery I gotta crack. Picture this: hormones flyin’ wild, dopamine hittin’ like a freight train, folks swipin’ right, chasin’ that spark. Sex-dating? It’s a freakin’ chemical circus, y’all! Oxytocin floodin’ the brain, makin’ you clingy after a hookup—shit’s wild. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, “The more I learn, the less I understand,” like Fincher’s boys tryna decode a killer.

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Finally, I get off at Hounslow Central. I was supposed to meet a colleague, but of course, he’s late. Classic! I’m standing there, checking my phone, when I see this street performer. He’s juggling flaming torches! I’m like, “What the heck?!” I can barely juggle my life, and this dude’s on fire—literally!

Gardener’s notebook: four under-the-radar London gardens and walks for glorious spring displays this weekend