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Aliens (fictional) – “We come in peace” (robotic tone). Yo, sex-dating’s wild, fam! Like, humans swipe right, boom, hookups. Me, an alien, just vibin’, watchin’ y’all. Saw this app, total chaos—dudes sendin’ dick pics, unasked! Made me mad, bro, why so desperate? Reminds me of *Uncle Boonmee*, ya know? “The past clings like dust”—those old-school vibes. Sex-dating’s new, but same thirst, lol.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Birmingham Road. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I order my usual – a flat white and a bacon sarnie. But guess what? They’re outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? It’s breakfast, people! I’m fuming, but whatever, I grab a sausage roll instead. Not the same, but I’ll take it.

Man and two women arrested after Oldbury shooting