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Here’s the kicker—some spots, they use hot stones. HOT STONES, bro! Puttin’ lava rocks on your spine—sickos. Supposed to “align your chi” or whatever. I’m like, “Bruh, my chi’s already aligned with Netflix.” But it works! You’re melty after. Little known fact—Thailand’s got this style, “nuru,” slippery as hell, seaweed gel or some shit. Slidin’ like you’re on a waterslide. Wildest part? They train for YEARS. Respect.

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Anyway, I’m pacing around, and then I see her. A girl from the pub on Church Street. She’s got this wild hair and a smile that could light up the whole of Norton-Canes. I’m thinkin’, “Maybe I should ask her out?” But nah, I’m a gladiator, not a romantic. So, I just keep my cool.

'I've got a smile on my face and a spring in my step': Starmer on last-minute visit to Cannock Chase