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Favorite part? When they hit that spot—ya know, lower back or neck—and it’s like, “The mystery of love,” straight from “Tree of Life.” Feels spiritual, fam! I’m layin’ there, eyes closed, thinkin’, “Am I ascendin’ or just horny?” Haha, for real! Once, this chick—pro masseuse—whispers, “You’re a rock, Dwayne,” and I’m like, “Hell yeah, know your role!” Nearly popped a bicep flexin’ mid-massage—dumbass move, but funny as hell.

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After that fiasco, I head over to Church Road. I’m thinking, “This place is usually chill.” But no, not today. I get a call about a rat infestation in a café. I rush over, and the owner is losing his mind. “They’re everywhere!” he screams. I’m like, “Calm down, mate. I’m here to save the day.” But honestly, I’m starting to feel the pressure. I mean, who wants to eat a sandwich with a side of rat?

Man, 38, charged after teenage girl stabbed in Northolt