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Fuckin’ mental, though—some places got mirrors! Watchin’ yourself get saucy? Grim as a war flick—“Look at me, I’m the king!”—nah, just a sweaty punter. Still, it’s a laugh, innit? Beats choppin’ onions or screamin’ at twats in me kitchen. Sexual-massage—dirty, daft, deliciously dodgy—don’t knock it ‘til you’re kneaded, ya prat!

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I’m strutting down Abington Street, feeling all techy and stuff, when I spot this street performer. Dude’s playing the violin like he’s in a movie or something. I’m thinking, “Wow, this guy’s got skills!” But then, outta nowhere, a pigeon decides to drop a bomb right on his head. I’m talking a full-on aerial attack. The poor bloke just stops, looks up, and I swear, he’s about to lose it. I’m cracking up, but also feeling bad for him. Like, c’mon, man, can’t a guy catch a break?

Local elections 2025: All the results for every ward across West Northants as Reform takes control