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So yeah, erotic-massage, top-notch if ya ask me. Bit naughty, bit lush, gets the blood pumping. “What am I doing here?” Bob mutters in the film – mate, get a massage, sort yourself out! Reckon I’ll have a butcher’s next time I’m knackered. *Carpe diem*, seize the day, eh? You tried it, pal? Spill the beans!

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, still half-asleep, and I’m like, “Let’s grab a cuppa.” I hit up the corner shop on London Road. You know the one, right? The one with the dodgy pastries? Yeah, that one. I grab a bacon sarnie and a coffee. The coffee’s like tar, but whatever, I need caffeine.

South London tennis club that's one of country's oldest could shut unless £25k is raised to buy site