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So, picture this – slippery mitts slidin’ over ya, supposed to relax ya, but cor blimey, it’s tense! Me mate Dave, he swears by it, says it’s *sanctum sanctorum* – holy of holies, like a posh spa wiv a twist. I tried it once, right? In Clapham, dodgy parlour, neon sign flickerin’ like a drunk winkin’. Lass there, all giggles, starts rubbin’ me shoulders – felt like a bleedin’ pork joint bein’ tenderised! “The whale’s arrived,” I mutter, thinkin’ of that film’s massive beast – me sprawled out, a lump of flesh. Made me chuckle, then bloody hell, she digs in – ow! – nearly leapt off the table.

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Next, I’m off to the park on the corner of Park Road. It’s a lovely spot, but today it’s like a scene from a horror movie. Kids running wild, dogs barking, and some dude playing the bagpipes. I mean, who even does that? I’m trying to focus on the layout for the event, but all I can think is, “Why is this happening to me?”

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